consider it all joy

Consider it all joy.

what does this mean? let me explain

ever since I was born, I have been raised in the church. ill give you some background. my dad's parents were not Christians and so he was lost all of high school. While in college, someone shared the gospel with him and it changed his life forever. my mom, however, was born and raised in the church.  her father was (and still is) a pastor in the Presbyterian church. she calls herself a church brat (almost like an army brat) because the longest time she stayed in a town was four years.

Nevertheless, my parents saw the importance of bringing us to church and staying involved and leading. my father wanted to give me and my sister what he missed out on, and that was the honor of knowing God from the get-go. I think what they thought was, "if we put them in this Christian school, then most all temptations we struggled with, will be absolved" however, this was not the case

you see, I knew God. I believed that he was my lord and savior. I believed that he would rescue me in my moments of desperation. I had the catechisms and bible verses memorized. I could share the gospel with you. And without a doubt, if you asked me if I was a Christian, I would scoff at you and say "of course. my dads an elder at church and I go to this Christian school"

I thought that by the law of association since my parents were Christians, I was a Christian. And I was. Like I said before, I full-heartedly believed that Jesus came and died on the cross for me. But I never had a personal relationship with him. It wasn't before I was 14 when I came to the realization that this wasn't all that God planned for my life. In the words of the Jesus Storybook Bible, which is such an accurate depiction of how everything whispers His name, "it's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne-everything- to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life," (17.) 

I came to the realization that while I said I was living for Christ, I was really just living for myself under a cloak of Christianity. When my world was rocked and flipped upside down, the faith that I had been putting in myself, ran out. One of my best friends passed away when I was in eighth grade and for about a year, I held onto it. Whenever her name was mentioned, I would have to run and hide before I burst into tears. I had told myself that her death was being used for Gods glory but I didn't believe it for myself. I was trying to encourage others and seek to help their needs, rather than tending to my own. I guess its kind of like how when you're on an airplane, the flight attendant always tells you to put on your own mask before trying to assist those around you. You see God was telling me that I needed to focus on my faith with him instead of trying to help others because, in the end, it does little to no good for anyone. 

So after this happened, I got plugged into a new church. You know those people who seem like they glorify God through EVERYTHING that they do. Not just being nice at church and praying at sports events "to God be the glory". These people were legit. They helped teach me what a real relationship with God looked like. I got involved and even was a summer intern there. I wanted to pursue a career in ministry and these people saw these qualities in me and reaffirmed me in ways I had never felt.

But of course often while God is doing an amazing work in your life and it seems like you've never been so in love with anyone before, Satan comes creeping in through the shadows. At first, he comes and tries to break that love you hold so dearly with God with lies. 

"you're not good enough"

"these people don't actually want to hang out with you, they just are too nice to say it"

"your relationship with God is just as dead as it was those years ago"

"do you really think that you're changed and set free?"

You know for a little bit, I listened to those lies. But God only tests us with what he knows we can handle. God's hand-picked me. I know that sounds weird and almost wrong to say, but God handpicked me to experience those trials because he knew that my identity was ultimately so rooted in him that mere words could not shake me. 

So Satan decided to take another approach. Loss

Everytime that someone important in my life has died, God has allowed me to see the beauty in it. But this past season, God really broke my heart for others. In April, my friend's brother passed away two days before the anniversary of my friend, Millies,  death. In July, Millie's mom's cancer came back and was in hospice care for two weeks before she passed. In August, one of my friends from my life before Christ drowned. And finally, in September, my friend's father passed away after battling with a brain tumor for years. The same morning he passed, I got the news that my aunt was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and that my cousin was starting his eighth round of chemo.

It seemed like this summer, where I was dedicating my life to God, I was being constantly surrounded by the devil. I was fine for the most part until August when school started. Where all those Godly relationships I had built, seemed to slowly fade. They were still there but I would only see them on Sundays at church. I was no longer able to rely on the time of prayer and worship that was worked into our mornings every day. I felt abandoned by God.

Why would he let all of this happen?

Why me?

Why did he have to make me such an emotional person where I got hurt by things that didn't affect my daily life?

why why-why

You know sometimes, we get lost in the "why"s of our problems that we totally forget to surrender them to God. You see, in my case, I saw that option from afar and thought "how in the world can I do that?" So for the past month, I have lived in a constant state of anger. I was angry at God and that began to shift my relationship with Him. Whenever our relationship with God is sub-par, it transfers to all the other areas of our lives. friendships. family. school. I was bitter. I was hurt. I was betrayed. 

But do you know what? God chose these trials for me because he knew that I could handle it and glorify him through this. Sure, it might've taken some heartbreak but God is always using the painful parts to build us even stronger. 

This past weekend, I attended a women's conference and Lysa TerKeurst spoke. Recently she went through some rough seasons, but said that every night she goes to bed and says "I love you and I know you love me". So that's where I started. I sat in my car, stubborn as can be that I was going to wallow in my pain and misery forever, and said "I love you, and I know you love me" and I burst into uncontrollable tears. 

These past months I have been building up so much hurt that simply telling God that I loved him, was enough to break me. Lysa also brought up James 1:2-3 which says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." It doesn't say "be joyful in the pain" for God understands that sometimes that is not possible. But he says "consider it pure joy" He wants us to search for the joy in the pain. To see it.
Another thing God taught me this weekend was that it isn't bad to move on. I had been carrying so much guilt around because I felt like if I decided to let their deaths go, I would be doing them a disfavor. That by turning away from the pain, I was turning away from them. God has a beautifully unique story for your life and it might have nothing to do with what I went (and am going) through, but he is even using that for your good. He wants you to have joy in your trials but because he came to earth to live with us, he understands that that isn't always possible. However, he wants you to see the joy in everything. To consider it pure joy. Not worldly joy that comes and goes with the seasons, but the joy we find in Him. This is joy is evident throughout the pain, suffering, and death. It stands strong in the storm.